What is the difference between daydreaming and sexual fantasy?
Sexual fantasies are an integral part of our daily lives, as integral as daydreaming! But, where do the two differ?
Let’s assume we use our imagination to “transport” ourselves to an exotic location we saw on TV or read about in a magazine, like the beaches of Australia. In a daydream, we can imagine ourselves and our group of friends enjoying our Christmas holidays by the beach, under the sun, with a summer Santa Claus in a bathing suit. We could create an imaginary scenario like this, one we have never actually experienced, by piecing together images from our memory, which encompass the type of desires we have at that given moment. Desires of all kinds, from favourite colours, locations, emotions, views, music, foods and senses.
In a sexual fantasy, we would, accordingly, have a romantic moment with an imaginary lover or whole group of people, on that same beach, with different details which arouse a different kind of desire: erotic desire.
As a biological process, daydreaming and sexual fantasies do not differer that much. In both scenarios, we use our ability of consciousness to create an imaginary trip which aims at some kind of pleasure.
What changes in these two imaginary trips is how we use that pleasure.
In a daydream, we could alter the dream from a trip to a plan about our next holiday, or we might reminisce upon a past experience to draw creative energy. With sexual fantasies, however, we use our imagination to arouse specific sexual instincts we have, in such a way that might never actually be fulfilled. In this way, a fantasy becomes a sort of safe trip we can take with our mind, resulting in pleasure without that meaning we expect or actively seek out for that experience to happen.
How healthy sexual fantasies work:
• they increase sexual desire during intercourse
• they increase sexual arousal during masturbation
• they help us to explore what we find sexually pleasing
• they help us to discover our own body through sexual activity
• they increase orgasm intensity
• they alter the duration of sex
When do we know we’re being healthy about sexual fantasies?
• when a couple consents to acting out a sexual fantasy
• when neither partner feels they are compromising their own personal ethics to carry out a fantasy (an emotional need within a relationship should not restrict any partner’s freedom of thought and action; on the contrary, it should make both of them feel happy about being themselves, every day and especially after sex)
• when sexual fantasies enrich the physical and emotional relationship between two people, instead of causing concerns. (It is worth mentioning here that, a number of sexual fantasies are considered taboo between couples, so what is allowed or healthy is not common knowledge. This is when fantasies feel oppressive to one or either partner, because they cannot be expressed or fulfilled in a healthy and pleasurable way).
• when sexual fantasies do not obstruct the emotional connection during sex. When both partners are present in the same fantasy and not in separate ones.
Why do sexual secrets remain “taboo” within a relationship?
The fear of rejection by a romantic partner is the main reason sexual fantasies remain secret. They can cause insecurity and thoughts that we might not being doing something “right” or else our partner wouldn’t be looking to add something new to our sex life.
Even though studies have shown that sexual fantasies are one of the most common psychological phenomena for all genders, they still remain a “taboo” subject within relationships. This is because, more often than not, we “exist” in sexual fantasies long before we develop a relationship, coexisting with specific behaviours and imaginary partners. This leads to the creation of a highly personal world, which is often hard to connect to a specific partner. Partners may come and go, but our seual fantasies usually remain.
At the same time, the type of sexual fantasy we may have might be considered social or ethically wrong, like slapping, hair-pulling, sex in public places or having others watch while we have intercourse. The dividing line that determines what is right and wrong, and what is appropriate and inappropriate behaviour, is the same line that keeps our ethical barriers, our subconscious social and religious reservations separate from our revelation of a fantasy. In general, with any sexual fantasy, from stripping and the use of handcuffs to sex on the beach or in a public toilet, what is needed is the conscious involvement of one’s partner. The fear of rejection is the reason sexual fantasies so often remain a secret. Because denial of such a personal matter can cause guilt and insecurity, which can lead a couple to estrangement. Be careful, though! This is all in regards to healthy sexual fantasies, not the ones we’re about to talk about.
When do sexual fantasies reveal a deeper problem in a relationship?
Sexual fantasies are often used to fill an emotional void in a relationship. Then, the fantasy replaces the partners of a relationship. Pleasure is equated to the fantasy and a partner becomes a vehicle for a sexual act, and not the reason behind it.
Sexual fantasies can help create a unique world in which we can escape to because we cannot get aroused otherwise. In other words, some fantasies turn into obsessions. This means that without them, we cannot function within a sexual act. We utilize them independently of emotion as an inextricable part of the sexual intercourse process. Whether this means bad communication with a partner in general, or lack of erotic desire in particular, then a couple is not experiencing what it has the potential to.
When do sexual fantasies lead to pathology?
In certain specific cases, obsessions can lead from “forbidden thoughts” to “forbidden acts.” In these cases, they can become psychologically dangerous. And not just socially dangerous, but pathologically so, revealing mental disorders that can be damaging to both an individual and their sexual partners.
However “forbidden” a thought might be, there are ways in which it can function beneficially within the sexual act. However, when that thought is turned into action, in some cases it can lead to extremes which go well beyond the notion of sexual intercourse. In such cases, pleasure is equated to obsession and no longer connected to a sexual partner. A key issue here, is also whether or not, or to what extent, a partner gives in to someone else’s fantasies. It is possible that one feels oppressed by an emotional attachment, and when a fantasy is never fulfilled it can cause deeper resentment.
Sexual fantasies that might lead to psychologically dangerous behaviours:
(“Might” here means that there is a possibility, which increases depending on the use and frequency of a fantasy. Each scenario is exampled specifically, to determine the extent to which it can affect mental health.)
• masochism
• sadism
• exhibitionism
• voyeurism
• zoophilia
• dressing like another gender (transvestism or cross-dressing)
• dressing like an animal (furry fandom or anthropomorphic animals)
• coprolagnia or coprophilia
• urolagnia or urophilia
Attention! Child molestation has never been and never should be included in sexual fantasies. In any shape or form, whether thought or acted upon, it is considered a pathology!
Attention! Everyone has the right to interrupt sexual intercourse at any time, even if they originally consented. Non-consentual sexual acts are rape!
If you think that you or someone you know might benefit from a session concerning sexual fantasies, sexual paraphilia or some other type of sexually related anxiety, get in touch to book an appointment.
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These articles are meant to be psycho-educational. They are not meant as a diagnosis or therapy tool. Their aim is to inform and educate. Article source & copyright: Evy Syrou, Cognitive Psychologist | www.evysyrou.gr
