“I can’t live without sex!” Can sexual addiction be diagnosed?
A lot of statements around the need for sex can be heard every day. “I can’t live more than a week without sex!” or “The more sex I have, the more I want!” Such statements sometimes present a psychosomatic state, while other times they are simply exaggerations about one’s sexual activity. Because, when someone declares that they have or want sex all the time, they become the centre of attention, conjuring a subconscious fantasy in their “audience’s” mind and in the mind of their potential “lovers.”
Irrelevant of the motives behind such sexual statements, there is an important research aspect to where such sexual activity can lead. In psychological research, we are still trying to determine the point at which someone is considered to be a sex addict. Let us look at things from the beginning. Is it possible to get addicted to sex? And how far can sex without limits go?
What does the world (collective consciousness) mean when they talk about sexual addiction?
When someone says they can’t stand not having sex, what exactly is it that thay cannot stand? Are they referring to something positive or negative? Because the notion of “sex” is positively charged, and yet “addiction” is something that many people struggle with. Sexual intercourse is the height of human pleasure and is associated with positive thoughts, energy and inspiration. In contrast, the notion of addiction, as most of us understand it in regards to alcohol, substance abuse, nicotine or gambling, is associated with negatively affecting one’s life and those around them. So, when people refer to sexual addiction, they are usually referring only to its positive aspect. In other words, they associate it to passion, “the chase” of a sexual partner (flirting) and the exploration of a new body (from foreplay to the conclusion of sex).
Is sexual addiction in psychology then, perhaps not what people think it is?
For us in psychology to use the term “addiction,” we must include all the characteristic symptoms also observed in other forms of addiction. It is surely not just about the hunt for pleasure that leads to such a diagnosis. This is why it is important for us to look at the main (not all) the key symptoms which manifest with addiction:
• Addiction: an increased desire for sexual activity so as to accelerate pleasure
• Withdrawal symptoms: biological and psychological disorders in cases of abstinence, leading a person to intensely seek out sexual activity as a mean of relief
• Need for control: repeated efforts to “reduce” or “control” their search for sexual activity
• Ritual: a particular engagement with “planning” one’s next sexual conquest and its preparation
• Behavioural changes: withdrawal from social, professional or recreational activities as a result of sexual engagement
So, can someone become an actual sex addict?
The answer is, yes. When all of the above symptoms are observed for at least one year, then we can talk about sexual addiction. Meaning, we can believe that someone… “cannot stand living without sex” and it is not just a provocative part of their character. In this case, the search for sexual activity becomes so intense, that it affects their daily behaviour and choices. Everything starts to get sacrificed at the latal of addiction. In other words, what is observed in all types of addiction, like alcohol, substance abuse, nicotine and gambling. One’s social habits change, the people they hang out with, their choice of activity. Everything is drawn into a world that starts with sexual fantasy and leads to a boundless or ethically uninhibited hunt for pleasure.
Why are some people sex addicts?
One of the most important reasons leading to sexual addiction is the sense of reward gained from a sexual act. And yet, it is a kind of reward that has no exact psychological profile. A sex addict often “uses” sex as a means of escape from some deeper issue they have yet to resolve or are in denial of. A phobia, a past failure, traumatic experience, emotional void, lack of confidence or sense of acceptance from specific people are just some of the deeper causes that can hide behind addiction. In general, every addiction hides a special balance (or lack thereof) of the Triptych: Mind, Body and Emotion.
Hypothetical Triptych example of two working people, who share no relationship and roughly the same predisposition to their day.
Mind: I’m not sure what to do tonight, I feel tired from work.
Body: Neither hot nor cold. I feel a bit tired and bored.
Emotion: I have no motive. I feel empty. Maybe a bit angry.
1st person without sexual addiction:
In a balance that exists without addiction, the intercommunication of the Triptych leads to following potential decisions:
• I will rest.
• I will call up my friends to go out for a drink.
• I will watch a movie (maybe even reminisce on an ex, allowing myself to feel sad because I miss them).
2nd person with sexual addiction:
It is possible that this person will not come to any such conclusion regarding their Triptych! They might have already predicted this emotional void and already planned to meet someone with the purpose of hooking up. They might not have heard their Emotion’s truth, which might be “void” for certain real reasons. On the contrary, their emotional void become the excuse with which they justify the planning of their next sexual encounter.
As a result, the Mind will create new tension for the Emotion by thinking about the success of the evening to come. Even if the Body is “tired and sleepy,” their inability to recognize and decode their emotions can lead to a Triptych of excess, leading them to “solve” their emotional void with another sexual encounter.
From the moment an act of addiction is initiated, the whole Triptych follows the balance of addiction. A balance that, for this person, becomes easy to repeat, as it is crowned by a respectable time leading up to the act, though which they cannot perceive any other true need their Mind, Body or Emotion might have.
What the Triptych of an addict would say:
Mind: Should I call up that person… I met yesterday, or should I hold off for today because I did that yesterday and it wouldn’t be right? Or should I maybe go onto a dating website and talk to that person… I saw yesterday and did something for me?
Body: I start to get energized, I feel in the mood.
Emotion: Positive, I feel good that I have something to look forward to… on edge.
Do sex addicts have relationships?
They try to. However, in their relationships, they cannot see the point for any emotional needs. As a result, their partner quickly starts to feel “neglected,” while they live more within their own fantasies and the lies they tell to cover up their secret desires. Often enough, the relationship ends. However, with the right kind of psychological hell, they do manage to get over their addiction and invest more in their emotions than they do in the hunt for pleasure.
When does sexual addiction become dangerous?
The danger around sexual addiction arises...from the sexual act itself. In other words, the relentless search and preparation consumes so much of a sex addict’s time, it can transform their whole life. It can lead to professional failure and the rejection of and by friends and family. In addition, as the need for new and more sexual encounters increases, the chances of nymphomania, sadism, masochism, voyeurism, exhibitionism and other sexual obsessions also increase. All these together, also increase the risk of contracting STDs or HIV. The dangers, then, surpass merely the psychological dimension and cross over into a health risk and become a danger to themselves and others, as more and more abuse stories are reported in relation to meetings for sex via online platforms.
Can it be cured?
With alcohol, substance abuse, nicotine and gambling, the ideal solution is to simply “cut it out!”. However, with sexual addiction, things are not so simple. Because sex is an integral part of human biology and surely no one should abstain from it unless they want to. This is why it calls for special psychological attention, through which we seek out what hides behind the sex and of course the person’s associated behaviour. Only then can we discover the causes so that we can intervene. In this way, a sex addict can stop “using” sex as a way of self-medicating other psychological traumas. This process can be accelerated with systematic psychological support which transforms their perception of themselves and their relationship to the act of sex and, depending on the causes, can reposition themselves in life and love without the symptoms of addiction. Cognitive Therapy is considered to be one of the most effective therapy approaches for addiction and obsession.
Useful terms:
“Obsessive behaviour”
A behaviour that is consciously and repeatedly developed as an “answer” or “solution” to intense impulses (or phobias). This behaviour is ritualistic or scholastic and, while we try to resist it, we cannot avoid it.
“Sex”
From the French sexe, the latin sexus = gender; our sexual drive, the sexual act of intercourse
“Eros”
Intense attraction, especially physical, intense love or desire, extreme devotion, the object of one’s erotic desire.
“Desire”
The tendency for pleasure, or acquisition of an object, person or goal.
“Passion”
All that happens to an individual, physical ailment, illness, torment, adventure, torture, intense mental condition, immovable desire, longing for something, intimate emotional involvement, rage, hate.
Useful clarifications:
In sexual addiction, the physical act of sex is abused. Therapy can bring back sexual activity to levels that do not include symptoms of addiction.
Sex does not “heal” mental trauma or emotional voidness. It is an intense illusion of our Triptych, Mind-Body-Emotion, when we want to avoid a reality about ourselves that we do not like.
Attention! Every person has the right to interrupt a sexual act and withdraw consent at any time, even if they originally consented. Non-consesual sexual acts are rape.
If you think that you or someone you know might benefit from a session concerning sexual addiction, or any other type of addiction, get in touch to book an appointment.
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These articles are meant to be psycho-educational. They are not meant as a diagnosis or therapy tool. Their aim is to inform and educate. Article source & copyright: Evy Syrou, Cognitive Psychologist | www.evysyrou.gr
