If it's never our fault, we can't take responsibility for it. If we can't take responsibility for it, we'll always be its victim.
—Richard Bach
Abortion: the persecution of the baby, of motherhood, of fatherhood or of a relationship?
Abortion: a scary word that is, however, often heard. A word that prevents life but which also has the potential to bring about the death of a prospect for many people. In the end, who pays the price of such a decision? One might say the unborn child does. And yet, don’t two potential parents also risk their existing relationship?
The “stork” was a lie, not a mistake!
The notion of contraception is no longer an obscure or taboo matter, it has truly entered the public sphere of knowledge. And while medicine and technology have handed us many ways in which to enjoy sexual intercourse, without it necessarily leading to pregnancy, we notice that the number of abortions is actually increasing daily! Has then, contraception only really entered our minds and not our bedrooms? The “unwanted mistakes” of seual intercourse would suggest that our perception of contraception is, in fact, lacking. Couples continue to take their chances, trying to control pregnancy without necessarily pausing to think that each mistake could result in an actual human being.
Does the “stork” bring motherhood or fatherhood?
The hardest thing to conceive in the end is not the fact that a couple might decide to have an abortion, but that the “stork: bring about the notion of motherhood and fatherhood into the foreground. How ready a couple might be to start a family is not something that can be “aborted” as easily as a fetus. The moment an unwanted pregnancy is revealed, a number of questions start to arise in both a woman’s and a man’s head which are, in essence, irrelevant to the actual child.
- Am I at the right age to become a parent?
- Can I live up to it financially?
- Am I capable of being a mother?
- Am I capable of being a father?
- Do I want to be a parent right now?
- Is my relationship strong enough to support another human life in this world?
- What do actually I expect from myself and my relationship?
Is a couple’s balance a lost cause?
No matter how close two people might be in a relationship, there is a gendered difference in the way they experience an abortion. Let’s look at the tree basic stages and see how they affect each partner:
Sexual act – 2) Pregnancy – 3) Abortion
We start off with the basis that each human is made up of a Triptych, that of Body, Mind and Emotion. In this simplistic sequence of evolution, we observe that the two genders only have a common experience of the first stage. This means that both of them are present with their body, meaning they share a common experience of the sexual act; they participate, exchange and exist in it. This is true regardless of the type of relationship they share. Whether they are married, in love or simply come together once, they both experience this act with their bodies (Note: this does not apply to non-consensual intercourse).
The next two stages, of pregnancy and abortion, differ in how the two partners experience them. Meaning, the woman is the receiver of this experience physically, emotionally and mentally, while the man participates only emotionally and/or mentally — and in some cases in no way at all, depending on his involvement in the relationship or experience. It is at these two stages, during pregnancy and abortion, where the largest perceptual disconnect exists, and which can make or break a relationship, balance it or destroy is emotionally for the woman and, in some cases, the man.
Responsibility, the source of internal conflict
How a man and a woman will be affected by an unwanted pregnancy is linked to the perception and expression of responsibility they share. Which responsibility? At first, the responsibility of a “mistake” and then the responsibility of terminating the pregnancy. However much abortion might be a technical procedure that lasts a few uncomfortable hours in a hospital, it is a great responsibility that brings about a whirling amount of both thoughts and emotions for both woman and man. It takes a great amount of effort for both of them to reject what their shared responsibility has brought about.
For example:
- Why doesn’t she want the child?
- Why must I pay for this mistake?
- What if I can’t get pregnant again?
- Now I know why he’s with me.
- Maybe he wants nothing to do with me.
These are just some examples of a long internal dialogue which can lead to conflict, breaking up or aggressive tendencies towards other genders, if not supported emotionally in a relationship.
The difference between termination and abortion
In the event of a terminated pregnancy, whereby a pregnancy is terminated due to health issues on the mother’s side or because a fetus is not developing normally, the reasoning behind it comes with a specific set of answers. It remains painful, whether physically or emotionally, for the mother and the couple, but conflict does not necessarily arise, as neither partner is directly responsible for the decision to terminate the pregnancy. This is why, in the case of an abortion, it is vitally important for the couple to find the deeper meaning of the event, so as to not damage their relationship with the blame game which might lead to a permanent rift, or which might cause a general change in behaviour towards the opposite sex or future sexual encounters.
Psychological trauma is a very common occurrence in women who have had to deal with either of these scenarios, and psychological support is advised, especially before a woman starts her pregnancy, after she has decided she wants to become a mother. In the event of an abortion, psychological support is paramount, to help her overcome any feelings of guilt or pressure she might be experiencing, whether internal or external. This way, she can get over any potential trauma that a terminated pregnancy might cause, avoid any future sexual dysfunctions caused by subsequent conflict, and move on to a healthy psychology should she decide she wants to be a mother in the future.
If you think that you or someone you know might benefit from a session concerning parenthood, an abortion or terminated pregnancy or concerns before, during or after a pregnancy, get in touch to book an appointment.
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These articles are meant to be psycho-educational. They are not meant as a diagnosis or therapy tool. Their aim is to inform and educate. Article source & copyright: Evy Syrou, Cognitive Psychologist | www.evysyrou.gr
